Let me start this post off by saying that I have never actually seen an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Nor, I sincerely hope, will I ever see his horror movies. Of course, being a human being on planet Earth, I have heard and read all the synopses and of the fear they manage to instill in the cores of perfectly sane adults who have multiple children and are not allowed to be openly scared of anything.
To clarify, I am scared by nearly every single movie I have ever seen. Including Bambi. Actually, I used to crawl all over my sofa in an effort to both cover my eyes and continue watching Bambi until I turned eight. At which point you would think I would have resolved my irrational fear for deer safety, but actually turned out to be the age at which my mom let me watch Animal House. Animal House managed to capture my interest until I turned 15. Therefore, the idea of watching horror movies and the idea of watching the horror movies of the most renowned horror film director in cinematic history gives me figurative chills.
The problem is that everyone is constantly talking about movies and among my friends, I claim some avid movie geeks who bring up Hitchcock movies at least once a week. The simple idea of a Hitchcockian take on birds manages to produce nightmares in which a pigeon I adopted for four days (Bartholomew) attacks me irrationally and persistently.
There is simply no way for me to avoid the onslaught the Hitchcock obsession has produced among both the finest and less fine Earthly population. However, there are a few ways to combat this plague:
1. Talk about fantastic pigeons and how birds are so peaceful- consider bringing up doves.
2. Bring up alternate movies such as the very unfrightening Barbie movies which I have never actually watched, but upon which I can quite eloquently expound.
3. Bring up Matt Bomer, Natalie Portman or both. For example, “I wish Hitchcock had been born a few years later so Matt Bomer could star in his movies and gaze at me from the movie screen.”
These may not be quite enough, but for the time being, they are my own personal Hitchcock bomb shelter.